Why Cancer returning now seems like the easier option

Last week. Last Thursday I met with the hospital social worker to discuss what happens now that the cancer is gone. What does living beyond cancer look like?

I will be honest I did not want to meet with her. I didn’t want to cry and I knew I would.

But it turns out meeting with her was exactly what I needed to do….

In my hour and half meeting I shared my fears, my frustrations, my heartbreak and not only did she listen, she let me know that everything I felt was normal. The biggest one, “I wish the cancer would just come back already, so I don’t have to live in fear of that day coming”

Those words I am certain are very hard to read but if I am completely honesty this is how I feel. I know this is my mind preparing for the worst, a defense mechanism. But in a strange way I feel that it is only a matter of time before my cancer will return for a second time. And rather live in fear of that day, I wish the day would just come. Maybe it is that so many around me are not doing well in their cancer journeys, or that I have heard of quite a few women like myself (BRCA 2 positive) that have had their cancer return someplace else. Or maybe its that life doing cancer became comfortable, and I rested in others strength and now I feel so very alone. Again honesty if you wanted to know.

I am nervous for tomorrow. For many reasons but one big reason is a small place on my right side. On one hand I think it is just my implant/scar tissue however on the other I am afraid it is something more. This is my current reality, living always in fear that the cancer will have showed up someplace else. Today, a day like many others I have waves of emotions that nearly knock me off my feat, leaving me paralyzed in fear, overwhelmed with it all. Tomorrow I must meet with my plastic surgeon to talk yet again about the thing I do not want to talk about… my scars and nipple reconstruction. If you are wondering, I have not decided what to do. I have learned that this is because I have not yet accepted the new breasts I have been given.  I feel like so many people feel that by putting a fake nipple on my “fake breast” it will make it seem real, and perhaps even bring feeling back. But I know this not to be true.

So alas I don’t want to talk about it. Yes they might be perfectly round and not move at all when I exercise, and sure, I do not have to wear a bra, but not having feeling leaves me feeling like I am walking around with a foreign body part on my chest.

“And they are strangers — spongy, cold mounds that feel neither pain nor pleasure, that refuse to budge an inch even when I’m running, that don’t quite look — or act — like normal breasts. Instead, they act a lot like the silicone sandbags, except I can’t take these off at the end of the day when my chest starts to ache. Welcome to my post-cancer body.” – The Emotional Aftermath of Cancer

So tomorrow is a big day and I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I have read this verse over and over again “Come to me all who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28

I am tired, discouraged and scared for tomorrow, but remain hopeful. Even still I have so very much to be grateful for.

But on a good note I captured the below picture in Frisco over the holiday weekend. It was beautiful.


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