Days seem to pass more quickly as I get older, I am not sure if anyone else feels that way but I constantly feel the urge to slow down. There seems to be too many things for such little time and the next thing you know it is already June.
In the past six months I watched as three women in my close circle pass due to cancer. (Jenna, Jenna, Kim). It is a strange and guilty feeling. The constant wondering as to why I am still here and why they are not. Why not me? The service for one of these women is next Monday and I want to attend but my mom asked me if I thought that was a good idea. For me the funeral, the celebration is a reminder of what I have been given and what was taken from her. As a cancer survivor I cling to anything that can help me understand as to why me… I suppose to it is my way to give thanks for the more days that I have.
I visit my doctor next month and if I am honest I have started to prepare myself for not good news. It is like something the mind does without you telling it, prepare for the worst in case that becomes true then it won’t hurt that bad. Seems like the logical thing to do? Protect yourself, don’t take a risk then you never get hurt. How many times have I done that?
In the last couple of weeks I have had a lot of hard conversations with myself. About what I am doing with this life I have been given? Is my life reflecting the very person I want to be, the person I want to be proud of. For those of you that know me well this probably does not come as a surprise, I am very hard on myself. I seem to have created these expectations that sometimes take the very best of me. Can anyone else relate?
Two years ago I attended a celebration of life for Kara Tippets, a breast cancer survivor that died at age 36 leaving three children and a husband. Her words I read over and over as a constant encouragement. The below quote….resonates so much.
So today I am asking myself to open my hands wide to the dreams I once had and embrace the different dreams that are now in place. Asking myself to move towards the love that is so evident all around me and the grace that so abounds.
I plan on giving a full update on my training schedule and my upcoming bike race this October soon! For the most part I feel very well, I still have insomnia a bit while sleeping and hot flashes but I try and take it one day at a time.