You have cancer and to be honest I don’t know what to say. You look to me for the answers to understand and I have attempted to protect myself from going to that place again. On the outside we talk about things analytically and I carefully try to keep myself from feeling too much.
But, what you cannot see is that inside of me I created a shell to protect myself and it is slowly starting to crack. My efforts to keep my emotions tightly packaged are too much. So overtime my shell breaks down and I slowly break alongside you. Not all at once but slowly the tears take over for my confidence and I find myself back in that place all together again.
If I am honest it breaks my heart that you have to feel what I felt. That you will find yourself in the darkest of the deepest of places. And all I want to say is I am sorry and I wish I could take it away from you. Rather prideful of me but I think to myself I did it before, I can do it again. So Lord just let me try again.
Because if I told you what I really felt about cancer, I would say it is the best and worst thing. But most often it will feel like the worst thing. What I would rather tell you is what happens afterward. (the better part). But, before you can have the after you have to have the now. The now that wants to come so close to breaking you before you are healed. The now that hurts. A depth of loneliness that only cancer creates. It is this weird place where only you know, others attempt to understand and a place only you get to be. Cancer doesn’t share. It is not contagious. It comes at you and then everything you encounter is impacted by more ways than I can mention on this blog.
I could tell you that you will be stronger than you ever thought, but unfortunately you won’t realize that until the end and there may not be an end. I could tell you that that life will be richer after, that things will matter to you that you never imagined that they would but I don’t know if you will get life after. I could tell you to let others in, let others love you and care for you but trust me it is hard to do. But oh if you can please try. Try even just a little.
I have decided that one of the most beautiful places to be looking is into someone else eyes. Not just anyones eyes but the eyes of someone who is crying for you. I have known and felt love but never knew how much until I saw the eyes of those who looked at me and grieved. Those who looked at me as tears filled there eyes. It is truly and honor and a privilege to be the recipient of someones tears.
So while you are walking the road you never wanted, the story you never dreamed would be yours, take some time to look into the eyes of others and see their tears and know how dearly loved and treasured you are. Because you indeed are dearly and truly loved.
I am still navigating this post cancer life, honored to have had the opportunity to share my story this past weekend at Snowshoe for the Cure in Frisco Colorado. Below are some pictures! (Wigs make everything better)