Monthly Archives: March 2017

 

You read my subject line and probably thought to yourself what is Kristina up to now. To be honest I have to ask myself that quite often. As I mark my second year as a breast cancer survivor I am learning more and more about how important it is to say yes to things that make me feel alive and fill you up, while giving yourself the opportunity to say no to things that steal. I recently finished the book, Present Over Perfect and these words seemed so appropriate….

“The world will tell you how to live, if you let it. Don’t let it. Take up your space. Raise your voice. Sing your song. This is your chance to make or remake a life that thrills you.”
― Shauna Niequist

If you know me well and live close in my company you know that life is something I treasure dearly. I have learned unfortunately the hard way at how precious it is. When asked of having breast cancer young, I often tell people I was given the “privilege” of being diagnosed young and the joy of living as a survivor. It has given me the opportunity to take some steps back from this life and spend more time on those things that matter most.

So that brings me to this October…. I have made the decision to ride in a three day 200 mile charity bike ride up and down the coast of Southern California in honor, celebration and remembrance of other young women like myself who have had breast cancer. The ride takes place on October 27-29, 2017. The ride totals: 207 miles. 8,128 feet elevation. I am excited about dedicating the next 7 months to training and fundraising for this special event. I fully intend to keep my blog as a place of information, training and my fundraising efforts.

One of the most personal ways you can participate is by making a donation. For each person that donates at least $50.00 you may give the name of one person that you would like to be written on my jersey. It may be in celebration of or in memory of. I would be truly honored to ride with their name written on my back.

Please visit my page below to see how you can get involved. I will be posting and sharing a lot more about this event over the next few months! So looking forward to representing all Breast Cancer Survivors in October.

https://west.ysctourdepink.org/KRIS

TWO YEARS

You have cancer and to be honest I don’t know what to say. You look to me for the answers to understand and I have attempted to protect myself from going to that place again. On the outside we talk about things analytically and I carefully try to keep myself from feeling too much.

But, what you cannot see is that inside of me I created a shell to protect myself and it is slowly starting to crack. My efforts to keep my emotions tightly packaged are too much. So overtime my shell breaks down and I slowly break alongside you. Not all at once but slowly the tears take over for my confidence and I find myself back in that place all together again.

If I am honest it breaks my heart that you have to feel what I felt. That you will find yourself in the darkest of the deepest of places. And all I want to say is I am sorry and I wish I could take it away from you. Rather prideful of me but I think to myself I did it before, I can do it again. So Lord just let me try again.

Because if I told you what I really felt about cancer, I would say it is the best and worst thing. But most often it will feel like the worst thing.  What I would rather tell you is what happens afterward. (the better part). But, before you can have the after you have to have the now.  The now that wants to come so close to breaking you before you are healed. The now that hurts. A depth of loneliness that only cancer creates. It is this weird place where only you know, others attempt to understand and a place only you get to be. Cancer doesn’t share. It is not contagious. It comes at you and then everything you encounter is impacted by more ways than I can mention on this blog.

I could tell you that you will be stronger than you ever thought, but unfortunately you won’t realize that until the end and there may not be an end. I could tell you that that life will be richer after, that things will matter to you that you never imagined that they would but I don’t know if you will get life after. I could tell you to let others in, let others love  you and care for you but trust me it is hard to do. But oh if you can please try. Try even just a little.

I have decided that one of the most beautiful places to be looking is into someone else eyes. Not just anyones eyes but the eyes of someone who is crying for you. I have known and felt love but never knew how much until I saw the eyes of those who looked at me and grieved. Those who looked at me as tears filled there eyes. It is truly and honor and a privilege to be the recipient of someones tears.

So while you are walking the road you never wanted, the story you never dreamed would be yours, take some time to look into the eyes of others and see their tears and know how dearly loved and treasured you are. Because you indeed are dearly and truly loved.

I am still navigating this post cancer life, honored to have had the opportunity to share my story this past weekend at Snowshoe for the Cure in Frisco Colorado. Below are some pictures! (Wigs make everything better)

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