I am not sure if it is the cloudy day or the crisp of the cool air hitting my cheeks that has every being in my body wishing to crawl back under the covers…… or maybe its the way my heart has softened and slowed this week. For more than a few moments the weight of it all has me stopped in my tracks. I crawled in bed Tuesday evening and slept almost twelve hours. My body and my mind were overwhelmed and I couldn’t bare it anymore….
I got my test results and everything was good. My tumor markers were normal. My ovaries looked fine. But yet my heart feels heavy. Why me I ask? It brings me to tears. How come me? What about her? She had a husband? She had little kids? Why not her? Why me? Why give me more days? I mean the collateral damage that I would have caused would be so minimal. My family they would be fine, I am sure of it. My parents, they have their grandson and my sister and brother in law close. Me? well gosh I mean it would have been fine. I was an easy choice. Why not me? Why them? Why now? This is the conversation that brings tears to my eyes. The conversation I have had a million times with myself and I don’t have an answer to the Why. There is no explanation for why I am still here and breast cancer was not the end of the story?
And while my words may be difficult to hear, it is how I feel quite often. I become overwhelmed with the reality that is living. That I am alive.
For many of you I would imagine that you don’t often think this way but this week I have been given the incredible gift of being overwhelmed with gratitude that God would grant me more days. More healthy days at that. What a sweet reminder it is.
While I continue to process, heal and allow myself to feel all that it is about my story, I come back to this place of gratitude. Of an overwhelming feeling that I get to live, and live well. I have hours and minutes to love on other people. I have hands to feed homeless. I have friends to run with. I have a job to take pride in. I have a nephew that makes my heart explode. I get to feel and live. So on this day… even when tears meet me so expectedly I am grateful. I don’t know why, and sometimes wish I could understand but for now I accept the gift I have been given and gosh darn it I don’t want to waste.
Cancer totally and completely stinks… but it can be if we allow it, the sweet reminder that life is so very precious and we are indeed given such a tremendous gift in being alive.
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?