As the summer begins to slowly fade away, I love how the sun wakes up a bit later each morning and the evenings are cooler. I am looking forward to fall. While this summer has been filled up with adventures in the mountains, bike riding, running, hiking, good food and many wedding celebrations, I look forward to the slow down that the fall brings. This was the first Saturday morning I woke up in my house and had coffee in quite some time. I have missed this quiet spot.
In the past few weeks as I look back on the summer, I am taking a look at how I invested my time, how I rested and am beginning to take some new things into consideration as I prepare for this new season. Today marks two weeks off of tamoxifen. If I am honest it is hard to tell if my side affects have subsided at all. It is difficult to pin point exactly what is a result of the medicine and what is the reality that is “I had cancer”. This day much like the last eight months, I find myself still in chemically induced menopause. I have hot flashes a little less frequent but my body shows no sign of my ovarian function returning. I must be honest this is one of the hardest realities. Every common side affect associated with menopause is very much a reality I am dealing with. Depression, anxiety, weight gain, hot flashes, night sweats… the list continues.
Yesterday I found myself at church, sitting alone in my same spot. It seems each Sunday morning a song is sung that speaks of God being a great healer. Of one day being made whole again. These songs bring me to tears in an instant. I wonder over the truth that one day I will be well. That my body will be complete again. That my body will no longer be the result of surgeries and that it will be scar free. I pray over the words in these songs as I let my tears fall during the service. I am beginning to trust this tender place that God has me in, as I process all that has been. I know someday soon I will miss the intimacy that this time brought. That I will long for the days when I was without control and left to be on my knees.
What moment have you found yourself in that your only choice was to surrender? How did God meet you in those moments?
Somehow cancer became the only story I know how to tell anymore. It is as though every compliment to my hair I have to provide the disclaimer that this is my chemo hair coming back. Then every time I am tired, or forget something I blame the chemotherapy. Or when I find myself stepping away from others I know far well that is the cancer too.
This month, September 30 will mark my one year anniversary of being diagnosed with breast cancer. I am dedicating this month to writing more, reading more, listening more, talking less, doing less and soaking up the sweet memories of one year ago.
May this day find you soaking up life joys, surrendering in your brokenness to see what is going on around you. Perhaps instead of changing your circumstances you can move more into your story to live with more intention and gratitude.
Have a wonderful day.