One of the most common questions I am asked is how am I feeling?
Truthfully, right now, I am well. I am sun burnt from riding my road bike, and my legs are tired from a hike Erin and took Sunday in the mountains. My weekend was filled with good company, an early morning bike ride for coffee, music, good beer and yummy food. However I know that just as this weekend was good, moments are coming when I will not feel the same way. My emotions continue to ebb in flow just as the river flows and cancer still shows up in the very small parts of my life. In just seconds I find myself in tears.
Another little girl on the train in the airport whispered up to her mom to explain the sight she saw when she looked over at me. “She doesn’t have any on her head”, she boldly told her mom. I smiled and so did her mom. Those moments when I meet the eyes of stranger they share something with me that encourage me to simply keep on. As though her smile was one of both sadness and encouragement. As though she was saying you go do you, go and live.
It is still a very surreal reality that I had cancer.
My finger nails are not really improving. They are still green and black. And my scar on my right side still is not healed completely but tomorrows appointment he will take a closer look. But the big news is that I now have to remember to shave my armpits. (sorry if that is too much information). After months of not having to shave, I forget to do so now. Hair growth is reason to celebrate! Regarding my pre-menopausal state that I mentioned posts ago, I am still experiencing consistent hot flashes and night sweats. This is to assume then that my ovaries continue to be in menopause. I will continue to wait and pray and hope that this may change. But I have slowly started to let this not be on the forefront of my mind as I am starting to live in today. The reality that the family I one day desire to have may not happen on the terms I imagined that they would is something I started to embrace the day I chose to harvest my eggs. And then again was reminded of when I only was able to harvest four eggs. I no longer assume anything. I explained to someone I hope for much, expect little and joyfully embrace whatever may come my way. I am confident in the story out in front of me and all that it may or may not include. Knowing fully well he has great things in store. Things to change me and the very desires of my heart to be fulfilled in ways I could not imagine. I am hopeful still.
I will continue writing, and if you are new finding your way to my page I love to hear from people, as well I will be doing a special post revisiting things from months ago. I will continue to be sharing, more about post cancer life, adventures and some things that may be helpful if you know someone diagnosed or you are someone diagnosed.
Again I appreciate your words, your coworkers who prayed, your church who had me on their prayer list, the donations made in my honor, and a special recognition to Baceline Investments (my employer) who went and continues to go above and beyond during my cancer journey.
Hope you have a lovely day. I love this quote from the book Love Does, “That’s because love is never stationary. In the end, love doesn’t just keep thinking about it or keep planning for it. Simply put: love does.”