Expectations and Disappointment

“If that remains my expectation, then I will surely be disappointed.

But perhaps I can expect something else that is equally good, only different.”

These words shared in a post made by Kara Tippets husband Jason here, regarding his place as a widower after the passing of his dear wife from Breast Cancer. I have continued to read his words over and over again. The notion that if my expectations remain such … then I will surely be disappointed.

My expectation that I will come out of menopause. Because in all candidness that is the thing that is the thing I am waiting for. Waiting for a my ovaries to wake up again. Waiting for the hot flashes to subside. Waiting until I have cramps like a typical twenty something female does? Will they ever wake up? Unfortunately my hot flashes and night sweats remain. Just yesterday I was sitting at my desk and had to turn on my fan as sweat beads came down my face. I am getting used to them. I no longer make such a fuss about them. I have adjusted. But they are the reminder. That this temporary menopause may be around to stay.

But even with them, I hope for a lot these days. To be honest the days I find joy more than ever before. That is indeed one of the sweet outcomes of having cancer and having the privilege of living beyond it.

Jason goes on to say, “I don’t like this new circumstance, but it helps me to embrace my new reality.”

I don’t like that I had cancer. I don’t like that I do not have MY old breasts anymore. I don’t like that I have scars across my chest. But it is my reality. A reality I am leaning further into than avoiding all together. I have chosen to move more into my story of cancer because it makes me who I am today.

What part of your story could you embrace as a part of who you are?

Their is a newness to who I am. To who God is in my life and the confidence I have in my future. Whether my cancer returns or whether it does not remains out there in the unknown.

As for today I chose joy, and hope over and over again. Below is a recent picture of my hair coming back in. I nicknamed myself the Chia Pet. The hair is growing like crazy.

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Took this picture last night of the sky and the clouds… So beautiful.

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