They don’t warn you about how normal doing cancer will feel….
I was given a diagnosis. I was given a game plan to attack. Persevere. Be a Survivor. So I followed the game plan. And now I am told to move forward. That I am freed. That I am done.
What they failed to mention is that life post cancer is harder than doing life with cancer.
They also don’t tell you how quiet it gets. Or that you will feel like you have depleted all your resources of encouragement. They don’t warn you that you will feel like you have made all your friends do things for you, and that even though you still need, you don’t know how to ask? Or even what to ask for? I don’t ask people to go to doctor appointments anymore. My reasoning…..you might ask, well is that you have already showed up for so many, I can’t ask you to come again? Could I.
I share this so candidly because if someone near you has already had the dust settle… or it seems like they don’t need anyone anymore, maybe they do? Maybe show up?
I find myself dreading moments when others ask if I have anything left in my cancer journey? I envy the joy on others face when they share that my surgery is done and asking how it went. I so desperately wish I could share that same joy. I would love to say I look to tomorrow with joy. With delight. With promise. But if I am honest, I am still afraid. A friend of a friend, I learned just yesterday had her cancer return for the third time. Three times and she is not much older than I. Her and her husband, who love Jesus very much are looking to be positive. Hopeful. My heart hurts for her. For them. I would be lying if I said that I was not afraid of my cancer coming back.
Tomorrow I have two very important appointments, the first one, my six month post mastectomy appointment and then my blood test for the tumor markers. If the number comes back high on my tumor markers this could result in a scan, or an MRI to make sure cancer does not show up someplace else.
I want to cling to hope. I desperately want to move forward but nights like last night, and days like today I feel lost and unsure how to proceed moving forward. I even feel like many close to me have become victims of my whimsy, my carelessness, and even my stumbling. I am so unsure of what life forward looks like and I appreciate your patience as I navigate this pathway.
Thank goodness for Kara Tippets lasting legacy that continues to remind me of his promises when I struggle to believe them, her blog today read:
“Hebrews 2:10:For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering.
The hard in life is meant for your good and Gods glory. If the nearness to Jesus is truly our only good, then hard is meant to train in understanding His goodness.”
Thank you for everything. I appreciate your prayers as I meet with the both doctors tomorrow, but more than that can you pray for the many days after tomorrow. That each day there is a new joy. Also I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my nephew. My sister was due yesterday! But lucky for her, her little one is very comfortable and happy in her belly a bit longer. But who knows maybe tonight?