Where do I go from here? That is the looming thought I have regarding this space. (truth is I still am not sure what this space will become)
At this particular moment I have come down with a terrible cold and cough. Two back to back weekends of traveling have finally caught up with me. I am exhausted. I think assuming that my body is back to where it used to be would be an unfair assessment. And the other part of that is that I am often pushing myself too much… and not taking the time to rest.
I am still really tired. I get a lot of hot flashes, night sweats and know for certain my immune system is still lacking much. I need to be patient….
Next up on my cancer journey is a meeting with my plastic surgeon next week to assess my healing. Hopefully this appointment will get me cleared for more activity. Friday, I will be five weeks out from my last surgery. I am still taped across my scars and for the first time today changed that tape out. My meeting with my doctor should be another good opportunity to assess my options regarding nipple reconstruction. If I want to move forward with this or opt to not have them. There are a lot of options, things to consider and I am going to take my time assessing each one.
As for other news, life is starting to fill up, with busyness. I just shared with someone that I kind of missed the slow down that cancer forced. It was a different kind of slow but the pressure to always be out and about was not there. Now that I am starting to feel like me again I am having trouble finding the balance of wanting to get out and go do, all the while taking time to be still, rest and reflect.
This past weekend I was in Austin, Texas celebrating the wedding of Kylie, my old roommate from the time when I lived in Honduras. The weekend was a reunion of four of us who spent our year abroad teaching at a bilingual school in Central America. We laughed, danced, shared stories and cried. It was hard to believe it had been two years since I had seen Faye and Matt. If you remember Kylie flew out to Colorado to be with me just two weeks after my mastectomy last fall. There is this unspoken friendship, love and admiration I have for these friends. For their hearts. For their dreams. For them to go on and keep living lives that make them feel alive. Kylie and Shepards wedding was a beautiful, yet simple celebration that I was honored to attend.
While spending the weekend in Austin I began to think about the various communities of people I have in my life. My journey with cancer presented an opportunity for others to move closer to me. In a more intimate, special way. Some people I was unaware even knew who I was. These folks showed up in the form of flowers, blankets, gift cards, cards, and button up shirts. Saturday mornings spent where friends gathered to pray over me and my cancer journey. Colleagues of my parents, sending cards, writing letters, sending gifts, care packages, and inviting me to the Houston Rodeo. Dinners showing up at my house, others showing up to sit while I received treatment. Friends who picked up my mom at the airport. Rachel and Jameson who opened up their home to my family. Friends who took me to get my nails done, left flowers on the front step and delivered ice cream. My hairdresser who drank champagne with me while we cut my hair. Strangers who wanted to wish me well by buying me a glass of Pappy van winkle in a bar in Breckenridge. Gifts in the form of smiles. Of head nods. Strangers who wanted me to know I was beautiful still even without my hair. Friends who drove to Denver to simply walk with me, let me cry and let me pour out my heart. Others who simply wanted me to know that I was thought of, cared for and known. I have been overwhelmed by the out pour. So much at times I felt guilty unable to accommodate all the offers coming my way. Unable to keep up with the cards, the gifts, dinner invitations etc.
Please hear me that I have known love and how much I matter by the way each and every one of you have showed up and continue to show up.
There is nothing more that we desire as people than to be known and to know that we are loved in spite of that. I want to say Thank you for letting me be vulnerable, and for receiving my words and loving me in spite of it all. If you are someone who I have taken a long time to respond to or I did not take you up on your offer for food, visits etc. know that it is not because I did not want too, it is simply me trying to balance resting, appointments and work. Thank you for reminding me of Gods goodness. In that he is always providing even when we least expect him too. Thank you for providing.
Who else can you reach out to today to let them know that they matter to you?
I am looking forward to a weekend spent climbing mountains, bike riding and relaxing (assuming of course my cold is gone for good).
May you continue to pursue others in your lives that matter to you. Let them know they matter. Although I would not wish that it took cancer, if it was cancer that brought you all in to my story, to let me know I matter I could not help but be grateful for that.
What a beautifully humble experience.
Here are a few of my favorites from the weekend.