What size will you be?

“Well this time next week you will have the best looking boobs in the gym.”

Ouch.

Those were the words I heard this morning as a group of women stood around me in the gym locker room asking if I was ready for my surgery next week.

The comment was then followed up with a question, “So like what cup size did you decide on?”

As though I took careful consideration into what size I wanted to be. As though this surgery is something that I asked for.

When conversations like this come up, I do my very best to answer honestly, kindly and without bitterness. I understand the place from which they speak. They want to cheer me up. Even so many women who make these comments, I have learned are envious of this new “lift” I will receive. I understand I do. Often these same women add commentary that makes a parallel to how their boobs used to look good and how they have changed due to breast feeding and aging. That mine will look so great.

Again I remind myself. Be gentle Kristina. Be kind in your words.

While I appreciate their positive outlook on my up and coming surgery, there is not a single part of this surgery that is something I wanted or asked for.

I would love to have my old breasts back. To not have ones that now look like someone took a butcher knife across my chest. Lets not begin to talk about how much I would love to someday get to complain over a change to my breasts due to breast feeding.

I will never breast feed.

A plastic surgeons office is a place I never dreamed I would step foot in. To be completely transparent, I have worked hard for almost two years now to bring healing and restoration to the way I speak to myself about my body through counseling. (where I am still). 

The body I have been given, is something that for so long I fought to change. While I am aware of our cultures and most specifically women ability to desire change the bodies we have been give…..

I have simply longed to love what I saw on the other side of the mirror.

What I so desperately wanted to say to those ladies is that they are valuable, that they matter, and that God loves them so very much just the way they are and most of all when it is all stripped away. (I have to tell myself nearly every day).

When your body is transformed or changes your worth has never changed. Your stock value does not go up based on how you look. You are valuable just as you are because of who you are in him. Because of who he designed and crafted you to be. You can do nothing to change that. Nothing.

I have such trust and hope in that.

I am learning to embrace my scars but more importantly I am embracing the very heart of who I am as, Kristina. Knowing full well that my body does not make me me. Nor does my ability to conceive or breast feed children.

Cancer continues to give back to me over and over again…. and stripping away so many things that I  once thought mattered is just a small piece of that. What comfort and joy it is to be defined in value by someone who is the author of my story. Someone who has been with me since the very beginning. Someone who yearns so much for me to see myself the way he sees me…..

Know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made….

Today was a day that work was busy, and life seemed to take over. I am hoping to capture more of these days, when I get to worry about the mundane. The flowers on my desk for now four months have been refilled every Monday morning, packages still come to my door steps, and cards are received. Thank you for never leaving me either. This family, this army of all of you that have never left my side, know I am so grateful

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