Much-Afraid

***Written on Wednesday evening April 1, 2015

I am flying into Louisville right now and after scouring my laptop for pictures of my grandmother, a picture from my 21st birthday in the bar and another one taking a selfie at Halloween last year. So many memories. Today I never seemed to be able to relax but now on the plane I finally fell asleep… I waited to pack till this afternoon and found myself distracted at work. My grandmothers obituary is a beautiful tribute to a life lived well and in lieu of flowers it states the family has asked that donations be made to Susan G. Komen in honor of her granddaughter Kristina. I read the sentence and was met with tears. Thank you.

Just yesterday at work during our staff meeting I was asked to stand up at the end. Katie, announced that the office wanted to celebrate and honor me for having completed my chemotherapy. Overcome with emotions I began to cry. She went on to explain that they had secretly hosted a raffle and for $5.00 you could purchase your chance at a paid day off from work. In addition the owners of our firm agreed to match the total that was raised. All proceeds would go to me, to help assist with medical bills.

I looked inside at a container that held nearly 500 tickets it seemed. After drawing the names, Katie asked that I look underneath my chair. What I found were visa gift cards totaling $3200.00 dollars. I was speechless. My office, those people continue to demonstrate grace and love over and over again to a girl that had been their newest employee. The girl that had been there a mere 7 weeks before being diagnosed.

Thank you Baceline.

I am flying home now and exhausted.

____________________________

***Written Today April 7, 2015

“Much-Afraid, don’t ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe me, when you get to the place which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is.”
Hannah Hurnard, Hinds’ Feet on High Places

This morning I read these words and my eyes filled with tears. In my longing to trust, my heart is breaking. Sunday, I boarded a plane utterly and completely exhausted. In the past weekend our family celebrated the life of my grandmother and to be honest I have been numb. I am so entranced in my own story that it was difficult to stand there and believe that she is really gone. While the weekend was one that allowed me to see my family, and feel my sisters baby for the first time, it was met with a lot of emotion and tears. Our hearts are heavy and we are tired.

The words above I have read over and over again as I anticipate Thursday. Thursday will be 21 days from my last round of chemotherapy. My blood will be drawn to evaluate my white and blood cell count levels but most importantly to check for the tumor markers, which will tell if the cancer is still in my body.

Sunday, while flying home I kept thinking about Thursday. My tears met my cheeks as I gazed at others on the plane carrying on as though they had not a care in the world. I desperately wanted to curl in a ball and have someone hold me to tell me it is OK, that they understand. I found myself repeating in my head over and over again that no matter what the outcome my victory is not in “cancer free”. My victory is in the Resurrection. It is no coincidence that Sunday was Easter. Over and over again, I kept thinking I do not know how to do this. I do not know how to do more of this. I am not sure I can handle bad news on Thursday, yet my heart was comforted knowing I am loved. I am cared for.

My story…. no matter what, is one that is good. Because He is good.

So while the assumption is that I will be cancer free Thursday, there is no certainty.

But today I am choosing joy. Over and over again I am reminded that he has great things in store and that my joy is not in test results but in the promise that I am his child.

Should the outcome be that I am cancer free, my surgery is scheduled for April 24. More details regarding this soon.

Thank you again for your patience, love and understanding as the past month has been a difficult one. Many of you have sent messages and I am slowly starting to catch up, I promise I am not ignoring. I have had two good nights rest and am anticipating the warm weather this weekend. Colorado spring makes any bad day a good one.

Have a great Tuesday

Love Kristina

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