It was a weekend of good things. Dinner with family friends, a early morning walk for coffee, discovering new trails, handfuls of trail mix, free Dos Equis, Sunday morning church, breezy cool walk with a friend, Masters Sunday and Game of Thrones. It was a weekend that felt for the very first time a bit of an escape from my cancer. A weekend spent investing in things that were good for my soul. Reading, resting, and enjoying the weather.
To be completely honest I have not given much thought to my test results. I am not pretending that they do not exist but I am trying not to dwell on them. Dwelling in the unknown has never served me well so I am taking them for what they are and seeking to keep on, keeping on.
This week I have my pre-surgery appointment with the plastic surgeon. I should get a better glimpse into my surgery, the recovery time etc. It is hard to believe that my surgery is a week from Friday.
Sunday morning before church I attempted to go on a run at the park. I set out to just go for as long as I could. (which in my mind was three miles). What I quickly learned was that I was tired. My body felt heavy. My breathing difficult and I was moving slower than normal. I never even made it to the park before having to walk. I was discouraged. After walking the loop of the park I made it to my final destination “Starbucks”. I got my coffee and was heading to the door when an older gentlemen said “Good Morning!”. I kindly said “Good morning” in response.
While stirring my coffee, I heard this man ask if I was doing OK?
It was not the sort of “How are doing?” that often people ask out of courtesy but they don’t actually want an answer. I could tell this gentlemen wanted to know if I was OK. He wanted to know is my cancer gone. Am I going to be OK?
I kindly said yes, that I was OK. That I had finished treatment.
He confidently said good. That he knew that I would be OK. That everything would be alright. And he smiled.
Grace met me in that moment as a stranger confidently looked me in the eyes to say everything would be OK.
I walked the rest of the way home, gently telling myself that it was OK I could not run like I used too. That it is OK. That it will take time. That even when I do not feel like I am strong. I am strong even in my weakness.
Today I am having a bad case of the Mondays. The week feels long and the weekend seemed short. My hair is slowly coming along…. but it is slow.
Today I began to think of my long hair. How I wish it were back. I was always a hat girl. I loved baseball hats. I even wore my Patagonia baseball hat in Central America until it had mold growing in it, only to clean it and wear it still. But hats without hair are just not the same. I look different.
Some days I just wish a hat looked the same. I want the stares to stop. I want folks to not ask about my cancer. I want to be me. The girl that doesn’t and never had cancer.
Below are some pictures of my hair through the years…. even my days blonde.
Have a great day everyone… may grace meet you where you may need it today.