Yesterday was one of those days. A day that from the moment I woke up I knew it would be a difficult one. One that found me in tears on more than one occasion.
I had decided I should take some time. Unsure of what I would do with my day I sought out to spend it alone.
Somedays that is just what we need….
This week is a milestone week for me in my cancer journey. My last treatment is on Thursday. I will be officially in remission on that day. What sweet words those are to type.
So yesterday the day seemed to just feel all too overwhelming. What this week would be, what it meant, and even more it had me reflecting back on the last six months of doing life as cancer. Some days it almost feels like I am telling someone elses story. That the surgeries, the mastectomy, the three days spent this past week back at the hospital. So many days I feel like I am talking about someone else. But yesterday it was as though the story became a little bit more real for me. It felt like my story.
I went to Washington Park twice yesterday (my very favorite place). Both times circling the park more than once, stopping to lay in the grass, walking to grab a coffee and to just simply be. (it was almost 80 degrees here yesterday). Early that morning with my coffee in hand, rubbing my hand across my bald head, I sat down in the grass and started to cry. No particular reason or another but in that instance it was as though I was watching snippets of my life the past six months pass by. The days spent on the couch, my birthday where I wore a fanny pack to hide my drains, the hundreds of appointments, the nurses helping me out of my hospital bed, the thousands spent on medical bills, the night spent amongst friends shaving my head, it was all right there in my hands… and my goodness how much there was to look back on.
Yesterday was just what I needed. I needed some time, to find peace, to find contentment and to find joy. To know that its all ok. To know that this story that is hard to tell and to comprehend is my story and it will soon be over. It will no longer have pending surgeries, it will merely be a portion of my life. A time that took much, but gave so so much more….
Peace is Christ’s distinctive gift—not money, not worldly ease, not temporal prosperity. These are at best very questionable possessions. They often do more harm than good to the soul. They act as clogs and weights to our spiritual life. Inward peace of conscience, arising from a sense of pardoned sin and reconciliation with God, is a far greater blessing. This peace is the property of all believers, whether high or low, rich or poor.— J. C. Ryle
What peace I was given yesterday. Peace and contentment that in spite of all things, all that awaits I may know both joy and peace. That I may have confidence in the outcome.
“Suffering isn’t a mistake, and it isn’t the absence of God’s goodness, because He is present in pain.” Kara Tippets
He has been and continues to be present in my pain. And for that I am grateful.
Now that the light at the end is near this one treatment that awaits will be a celebration. A celebration that the this story of mine, has been the outpour of some of the greatest blessings. That changes have taken place in me and in the most tender ways I have been reminding that “I am loved so very much.”
As for me I am feeling much better, my counts rebounded up to 4.5 on Thursday which was tremendous news. My mom flies in on Wednesday and I am very excited.
May you have a wonderful Monday.