Pressing Play

I slept through the entire night!

I am laughing as I type this because it sounds like something someone would say about their newborn baby. Celebrating their first full night of sleep. But no, I am not talking about a newborn, it is just me. Celebrating a full nights rest amidst nights of erratic sleeping habits.

Let me provide some back story on sleeping these days….. Tuesday night unfortunately was the worst evening I have had, even after getting in bed around 9:00 pm, taking two benadryl and using lavender oil on my chest and neck to help me relax….. I woke up around 1:00 am and 4:00 am because of hot flashes. Around 6:30 am I found myself waking up because of a nightmare that resulting in me yelling, “Help”. (which was a first for me). Needless to say I have been quite discouraged as I am fighting off the side effects of chemotherapy.

You could probably gather that I as a result I am very sleepy and my work days have me heading home to crawl in to bed. I am hoping that by the early next week I will begin to feel like myself. I am currently fighting off something. I have a sore throat and stuffy nose that I am determined to keep at bay, as my blood counts start dropping low today.

Just yesterday while at the gym locker room, some ladies were asking me about what the next few weeks look like in my cancer journey. As we were talking one of them commented on how my hair kind of stopped falling out. That now I have this peach fuzz of a top on my head.

They assumed due to the color of the hair that remains that I was blonde before it fell out…. I kindly said, “Let me show you what I looked like when I was my normal.” As I went to grab my phone I stopped myself and turned back around. Let me rephrase that sentence I thought. “I am still very much my normal self……. so let me show you what I looked like before my hair fell out.”

One of the ladies chimed in and said, “Yes you are still you!” I showed them pictures of my brown hair and I got a bit nostalgic about my once long locks. I left for work soon after but kept thinking about what I had said……

“Let me show you what I looked like when I was normal.”

Somehow I have started to believe that I am not me right now.

Somehow this chapter of my life is seen as merely a singular chapter, a place in time that is and will get to be put on a shelf someday. That I have compartmentalized this time and made it something that is almost removed from life itself. Almost as though I feel like my life was put on hold, and someday soon I hope to get to press play on it again.

I spoke with my counselor on Tuesday (as I do every week) and told her of this notion of pressing play. That I felt as though my life was on a pause, a BIG pause and that soon I look forward to pressing play again. As I began to explain this to her I found myself stopping with my words and then said,

“But I dont want to see it that way.”

I want to live now. I dont want to think of this time as something that was not living, because I am living now. I am very much alive. I think that if I continue to see this time as a “pause” in my life I am robbing it of what it has been. What it has done. What I have learned.

What living have you put on hold due to circumstances in your life?

How could we rather move into our current circumstances and be more alive in our now than we ever were before this time? 

I believe that God is very much asking this of me. That so often I am caught waiting to live until circumstances in my life fall into place. But rather I think God is saying but what are you waiting for my dear? I am alive and working in your life today. Everything you do, everything you have, everything you feel and experience is the life you are given today. Trust that what I am doing today matters, and I can assure you that the plans I have for you are are far beyond those that your mind has imagined. So stop thinking things are on hold, or a pause. But trust that you are living the story I wrote for you right now.

The play button has always been on. 

I hope this finds you well today. Thank you again for your messages and cards. I open one almost every day and your words are of great comfort to me. As well I am still using Starbucks cards since October when I was diagnosed and they have been such a treat. So thank you!

May you find life today not a pause or if you are stuck inside snowed in, see it not as a disruption, but rather another day of living. Of pressing play.

Love Kristina

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