It has not always been good. This journey. Nor has it been easy. Most of the time truthfully, it is very hard.
Most days I am tired. Tired of putting a hat on my head each time I leave the house, and if I have forgotten, the cool air atop my head reminds me. I am tired of endless appointments. There was a time when I complained about a week where I had a dentist appointment. One measly appointment would knock my week out of routine. And today…. I am lucky if a week only has two appointments. This week, I had four. Next week, I have three.
The picture above I love. Not for one particular reason or another but I think because I know what I was thinking in that very moment. My thoughts were overwhelming as the blade met the top of my head. The physical evidence of disease. Of this journey. This has really happened. Thoughts of “you’re doing great, you’re doing it, you’re strong…. shifted to thoughts of, this hurts, I am scared.”
It is the perfect capture of my laughter that turns to tears, or often vice versa. My laughter so very often turns to tears.
Every day more and more stripping of what once was takes place, to a make room for a newness that is taking place in me. I am being made new. Time and time again I am being renewed, and changed to something new. I may not ever understand why now was the time for this.
Do you ever wonder why things happen in the way that they do? Do you often think how much better it would have been if it were some other time? Could it not have been even just months later?
I must confess, I have full confidence in the timing of this. For me. It is very evident that this was orchestrated to happen just as it should.
It has and will continue to be the very perfect time.
You are probably thinking, is she crazy? When is a “good time” to get cancer?
OK, trust me I hear you. No time is “good time” for cancer.
But…… I would beg to differ.
So much of this journey, this written part of my life story, is believing that is is being written exactly as it should. The more I believe it is being written as it should and the more I trust the author of it all and the more I move into the story itself. The more alive I become.
Is that not what he called us for? To be living fully in the story he designed and orchestrated for us.
It is Friday and just this morning I had some toast and coffee at my favorite spot in Denver. Next to me was an older man in a wheelchair with his wife having a cup of coffee, doing crossword puzzles and sharing a pastry. I looked at them and could not help but be encouraged. I pray one day I get to have that. The slow down of time, shared with someone in my life. That mornings are spent next to someone whom I have loved and been loved by well.
When so much of my future is unknown…. questions like, Will I be able to carry my own children someday? Will my cancer return? Will I look like me when my surgery is complete? Will someone be able to embrace me with my scars? Oh so many questions I could spend hours pondering.
Time is something that has become so dear to me. I prefer these days to spend it well and with others who matter a great deal to me.
May this find you well today.