Written from the airplane Saturday morning, heading to Louisville:
I woke up this morning at 7:45 am. I managed to turn off my original alarm and was left with only a half hour before Rachel came to take me to the airport. I am heading home to Kentucky until next Sunday. For the first time I do not have to go to a doctor for ten days straight. I am looking forward to time at home, to rest and visit before I need to be back Colorado to start chemotherapy.
Thursday afternoon, I went to the plastic surgeon for what was my last saline fill. As expected I slept terribly Thursday evening. The first twenty four hours after an expansion are the worst. My right side continues to be worse than my left. The nurse says it is because I am right handed so I have more muscle on this side, which is the soreness that I feel. Either way it is terrible.
While I was at the plastic surgeon I made mention of a large mole that is on top of my head. In anticipation of losing my hair I would like to wear my bald head as it is. As silly as this may sound, I did not want a large mole to be on top. My doctor said that yes, it is something he could remove for me, but that he needed to make sure we did it far enough in advance of starting chemotherapy. (something I did not think of). As well that he would place stitches in and in one week I would come back and he would take them out. (Again something I did not anticipate). Soon after my plastic surgeon called my oncologist (boss lady as he said) to make sure it was ok to do this removal so close to starting chemo. She approved. I said great! (thinking it would be the first week of January).
The nurse came back in and said the only time they could take me was the next morning at 6:30 am. After a brief hesitation, I said great. Lets do it.
After a poor night of sleep and a 4:45 am wake up to be at the doctor yesterday morning by 6:30 am, needless to say yesterday was a long day. My company had our holiday potluck/ugly christmas sweater/ white elephant party yesterday that I was coordinator of so after my minor surgery I arrived at work by 8:30 am.
Last night I cleaned my house, packed, did laundry and watched some game of thrones before falling asleep. Fortunately I am able to take other medicine now besides tylenol (during my IVF cycle I could not take any advil, ibuprofen, or pain killers). Last night I took some medicine to relieve the pressure on my chest and to help with the ache in my stomach (ovaries swollen).
Walking through the airport today I often watch others, wondering where they are going. What brings them to their destination and began to think about mine. I am going home. My sister we learned yesterday is carrying a baby boy. Our family does not have any boys (minus my dad) so the excitement as you can imagine is great.
Later that evening while talking to my mom from the “gender reveal” party I began to cry. And cry a lot. I asked my mom to go, not wanting to spoil the celebration. The news while great, and the noise of celebration in the background coming through the phone one of great joy. I am not sure what happened.
Trying to celebrate and find joy when at times the opposite reality of my life right now comes like a tidal wave. The lies found in my thoughts, overwhelm me as I find it so difficult to celebrate.
Envious. Jealous even, as terrible as that sounds. The fear that I may never get that celebration. The despair that my future seems to hold. The fear that a future is not even available for me. That milestones may never get to take place for me.
All just thoughts, but thoughts that brought me to tears.
I should be landing soon and the mom to be, my sister, is picking me. I am going to be home and fight to celebrate even when it seems so difficult to do.
With stitches in my head, painful expanders in my chest and an aching stomach I am stepping forward, the only way I know how. Trying to be brave, trying to allow myself to grieve but most of all fighting for joy.
Written this morning from my parents house:
Today I am meeting my English teacher for lunch and spending time with my two best friends. The weekend was spent with family visiting and relaxing at home. It has been really nice to be home.
Not much more of an update at this time. The stitches are doing ok and the soreness is improving each day. Have a wonderful Monday everyone.
Here are some pictures we took from Saturday night….