My Christmas List

Tonight, I am sitting in my bed while I am drinking what seems like my tenth glass of water, the last one I had was filled with EmergenC.  My roommate has been coughing and sniffley so I want to be certain I do not get sick.  I just gave myself my evening shot and tomorrow morning I will arrive first thing at the fertility doctor blood work and an ultrasound. Following the doctors office, I am going in to work for the first time since my leave of absence.

I cry thinking about it …

I am unsure why I cry really…. perhaps it the reason I had to leave that brings me to tears or the unknown in going back. This fight for a new normal, while my future ahead still seems so unsure. I have tried to remain strong but this road is long and the past few days I have had make this road seem longer….

To try and create some intentions or prayers for the coming months, I thought how different my Christmas list would look this year. I decided to put it into words….

My Christmas List This Year:

  1. To trust Jesus, to lean into him, believe that he is is good and he is working in this, in all of it. Trust that I am not alone. I love this song, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus”.
  2. To relish in the moments before me and laugh a whole bunch.
  3. To believe that I have a future before me. A carefully planned future that can and will include so many things my heart desires. That this is not the end. 
  4. To not be afraid. Every time the doctor does a scan, draws blood or examines me I am afraid that something will be wrong. Every time I go to stick myself with the shot I have to take a deep breath. I am afraid of loosing my hair and looking sick. I am afraid of being abandoned and forgotten in this long journey.
  5. To not be jealous of others…. celebrating new homes, new marriages, new babies, first Christmas decorations or children’s plays. I look in wonder…. will I get that someday? Does that exist beyond this cancer for me? I drove past the park this weekend and I saw a girl running, listening to music without a care in the world. I used to be that girl I thought to myself. I find myself envious of her carelessness … envious of what I perceive to be her normalcy.
  6. To embrace my tears. My tears are not going away, nor are they getting any easier. Perhaps I can just let them flow, and learn that it is ok.
  7. To love myself. I have spent so much time already apologizing for how I am handling this, and blaming myself for things. If I could learn to love myself in this that would be such a gift.
  8. That my heart would be secure, I am sensitive and am easily wounded. Even the slightest seems to pierce my heart at this time.
  9. Rest. I am tired both physically, mentally and emotionally. If I could find time to rest, be in peace.
  10. Find joy. That joy would come out of the most unlikely of places and I would find it there.

**** That is all I hope for right now, but I am sure there is so much more….

To continue with an update, I have successfully given myself shots for three days now (7 days to go)! As for the rest of this process I am not doing so well. I am struggling emotionally and physically. The nurse asked if I was excited to start the process and I politely said “No mam, it’s just I had hoped I would not have to have chemotherapy. So no, I am sorry mam but I am not excited.”

In addition I am still working through bills….. I owe a large amount tomorrow as well as I am trying to plan for my deductible balance to start back at zero on January 1. I understand why so many people talk about having cancer and trying to do everyday life at the same time….. there are so many things to keep record of it is overwhelming and exhausting. (Thank you to all of you who have generously donated to help aid me with my medical bills, I am so grateful, really speechless. Please know how thankful I am).

I hope to get a better idea of my progress (when they expect to extract the eggs) tomorrow. Expected date is next Tuesday. As mentioned above, I will be going back to work tomorrow, as best I can with my many doctors visits.

After my work day tomorrow around 5:00 pm I have physical therapy. I am sure at this point I will be ready to be in bed. Tuesday, I visit my plastic surgeon for a “fill up” in the afternoon. The rest of the week is contingent on the progress with fertility preservation, which appears to be monitored daily (daily visits for blood work).

That is all for now, sorry for my lack of writing and updates, I am afraid I do not have much energy for it….

Warmest Kristina

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