Brokenhearted Smile

It was sunny and nearly 70 degrees today. I woke up after a not very good nights sleep. It seems something is always pinching me, or hurting. The sunshine through the windows made me want to go run outside but I was quickly reminded that I am restricted by eight different cords that are pinned to my clothes and around my neck. I stood on Rachel’s back porch and looked to the sky with my eyes closed and took a deep breath……. How quickly my reality has changed.

Last evening before going to bed my positive outlook came crashing down as I leaned into my moms shoulders and cried. Frustrated with the drains hanging down and the pain in my chest. The thing is….no matter how well I am doing physically, I am still heartbroken.  My chest doesn’t look the same. I can’t go to the bathroom without assistance. My stomach aches. Nothing tastes good and deep down I wonder how I am to keep doing this. I may be cancer free but I am still not myself. I will never be the same.  The harder I cry, the more pressure that is put on my chest expanders and the more I hurt.

Throughout the night my mom would wake me up every three- four hours to empty my drains, measuring and recording the amount of fluid I am leaking off my chest. (my apologies if this is too much information). The less fluid the sooner the drains will get to come out.

I was given one large pain numbing ball that today diminished to nothing. I was told by the doctor that when this was finished (by Saturday) I could remove it myself. So just an hour ago I did just that. I slid the small cords out from underneath my skin so we could throw them away. I am now down to four large drains, that now stay in my fanny packet.

At this moment, Rachel and my mom are cooking dinner. Jameson and my dad are watching football downstairs and I am listening to one song on repeat hoping to remind myself that I am not alone. Because right now this is how I feel. (not because they are not here). It’s more that I can’t help. I feel helpless. Nobody else has drains, has incisions, has risk of infections or a long road ahead to healing……

Cancer is one of the loneliest things, it invades your body and nobody elses. You couldn’t share the pain if you wanted. So my smile as seen in many pictures is a smile hiding a broken heart, healing wounds and preparing for the many days that lie ahead. Fake it till you make it I think…..

Your continued prayers as I walk this road. My parents took me for a short walk outside to get some Vitamin D which was a nice change…… although bittersweet, I have never been pushed in a wheel chair before.

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