When true joy comes in the deepest belly laugh one has ever enjoyed, you find that God too has a sense of humor. I am learning more about the heart of God in this place than I could have ever imagined anyplace else.
I often like to pretend that I can do everything on my own. I am stubborn to a utterly fault. Ask anyone who knows me. I am painfully stubborn sometimes. I like things my way, even though I pretend to act as though I am ok going with the flow, I must be honest with myself and accept that deep down when “I am going with the flow” I wish things were the way I wanted them.
Surrender is something you know? Surrender in our lives is often the most difficult act we can do. Surrender to things that we do not like, to our everday, to the meeting that went too long, to traffic on the interstate, surrendering to ourselves, accepting that things do not go our way, and they will continue to not go our way, yet we get to pick ourselves and move on.
I am surrendering…. surrendering myself to the fullness of God. Trusting that no matter how much I think my plan is good, his is so much better. The hardest part of all is surrendering to something you do not know what is in store. Except I know who he is. I can rest confidently in who he is, who his character his, the life that he lived. I can get behind that. Living a life that loves people well. That sees every opportunity as a chance to change. A person who choose to kneel down next to the broken, to give up everything so someone else could have a place at the table. Selflessness like the world has never seen.
In moments of frustration, to moments of joy, to the days that seem to never end, the kids that never sit in their chairs, the lessons I am confident have gone well and the kids turn in their homework and it is clear they do not understand anything. It feels sometimes like you are moving a mountain. Yet I am still pushing, still surrendering and still pursuing the hope that he has something good in store. He is doing good in me and in the world. Its all I got to trust in. Its all I can do.
I am feeling a bit nostalgic these days for things at home. Not that I want to leave, but just that I miss some of the comforts. Suppose watching the movie The Holiday and eating cookies for dinner last night can make you do that. Matt and Kate made Monster cookies last night and we all sat around drinking coffee nibbling away at the peanut butter, oatmeal, chocholatly goodness. My belly was super full but part of me thinks it was just what I needed. Cookies and coffee for dinner, followed by a glass of red wine. (everything I love in one evening, including Jude Law).
So today when you indulge in your routine Starbucks, talk to your friends or if you are lucky to get to see family, soak it in a bit longer today. Maybe sit down the phone and look someone in the eye when you have a conversation, without the distraction. I dare you to try it. Real life happens sometimes when our minds are wandering and our head is some place else. I would give just about anything to have dinner with my family today, or even a short lunch would do. Have an iced tea, sit on the porch outside, eating yellow chips (my moms name for lays potato chips). A girl can dream I think.
Heres to your Thursday. Friday Eve. My best friend Stephanie and her boyfriend are driving from Guatemala City (7 hours or so) to visit for the weekend. Lots are in store for their arrival, and the preparations are beginning tonight. Thomas and I’s turn to cook family dinner is tomorrow night. Lots of work to be done!